Tired of being a nice guy?

My client was on a rant - his article was due in two days and he was blocked. Worse, his editor, a woman, was calling him every few hours to see check in and suggest some changes. Each time he would stop and listen, and then try to weave her suggestions into his writing - and it just wasn't working. His creativity was stifled and he was starting to question his competence. Plus he was becoming increasingly anxious that he wouldn't make the deadline - which of course, made him feel even more stuck.

"I'm trying to be a nice guy here, and I just want to tell her to shut up and leave me alone!" I asked him "What would be the worst thing that might happen if you did just that?" and he was stunned. He realized that he's always trying to please everyone else, and losing himself in the process. "Oh," he said, "the worst thing that might happen is that she feels hurt, and gives the job to someone else. The best thing that might happen is that she stop calling me and I can focus and do a great piece of writing!"

Men are you tired of being nice guys? You do your best to be polite, patient, listen, and accommodate the women in your life. Just when you think you've got it right, they change your mind and go in a totally different direction. Grrrrrrr. 

Dr. Robert Glover has devoted his career as a psychotherapist to freeing men from what he was dubbed the "Nice Guy Syndrome"-trying too hard to please others while neglecting their own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. In his book, No More Mr Nice Guy he says....

Nice Guys are concerned about looking good and doing it "right." ...... They avoid conflict like the plague and will go to great lengths to avoid upsetting anyone. In general, they are peaceful and generous, and especially concerned about pleasing women. They believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be happy, loved, and fulfilled. When this life strategy fails to produce the desired results — as it often does — Nice Guys usually just try harder, doing more of the same, and they begin to feel frustrated, helpless and resentful. Eventually, they become anything but nice.

Can you see that when you try to be a nice guy, what you're really doing is seeking approval from someone else, and by default, disapproving of yourself? This creates a pattern of depending on others for something only you can give to yourself. How do you break that pattern? Here is a very simple technique I taught my client - and I'd like to share with you.

When you're feeling frustrated, insecure, or stuck, ask yourself "Am I disapproving of myself?" Hint: the honest answer will be "yes." Now ask yourself, "Can I let go of disapproving of myself just a little bit?" And answer "yes." Can I let go a little bit more, and a little bit more?" Keep asking the question and answering "yes" until you start to feel lighter, and a bit stronger inside yourself. 

And see..... from this place can you be a little nicer to yourself?!

How to handle a capricious woman

(Definition of capricious: governed by caprice, being impulsive or unpredictable)

I've been having a lot of fun interviewing men for my blog. One question is "What is something you both like and dislike about women?"

My friend David really nailed it. He said that it's hard to deal with women's randomness: They come towards you and disappear, you never know. They are wily and capricious. When I probed further, he confessed that though this capricious quality drives him crazy, it fuels his desire. A women who is not entirely available can be more alluring than one who is reliable and consistent. I find this paradox very interesting.

So men, I'm curious... do you find us female creatures capricious, and if you do, how do you handle us? Is the way you're handling us working for you?    

These days women are coming into their sexual power and maturity, and they no longer need you to protect them, bear them children, or in any way navigate the world for them. Many of them are free and tuned into their desire, which like female orgasm, ebbs and flows. What does this look like? 

Well -- sometimes they are totally hot for you, can't wait to tear your clothes off and take their pleasure in you. Then next moment, their energy shifts and they just want to cuddle, or worse, leave you in the heat of your desire, and go shopping. Maybe a woman makes a plan with you, then at the last minute, cancels. Or she picks a fight with you, proves her point, then berates you for agreeing with her. I'm sure you've got many other better examples.

So, how do you handle a woman like this - who changes her mind, and doesn't appear to be rational, is just plain crazy? Perhaps the answer is found more in this question, "How do you handle YOURSELF?"

You probably already know this and..... you can't change a woman (or anyone for that matter). The good news is that you can change yourself, and then feel a whole lot better - even when things go haywire. It takes courage and willingness to know yourself, and, awful as it may sound, a bit of humility. And I know you're up to it.  

Here's a simple practice you can try out for yourself:

The next time you find yourself at the mercy of a capricious woman, PAUSE,

1. Notice if you're feeling an ouch - this can be a sense of outrage, anger, disappointment, a sensation of being hit in your stomach.
2. Identify specifically what it is you're feeling as a sensation in your body.
3. Now, stay with that sensation. Notice the tendency to try to rationalize yourself out of it, and don't go there. (It's a road that leads to nowhere). 
4. Say "yes" to that sensation over and over and over, until you start to notice a change. You may feel a bit lighter, more detached, a little less annoyed, perhaps even a hint of.... happiness!?
5. From this new place of awareness, how do you perceive the situation now - and the woman who 'caused' it? 

Why are you hiding?

There was a man in my group today who said he was shy, and not hot enough for his girlfriend. Then he 'shyly' showed me a stream of photos of himself modeling over 50 different outfits, with 50 different looks from hipster to executive to cop to athlete, to movie star, you name it. These photographs were full of confidence, grace, and so HOT. It was hard for me to connect the timid person sitting next to me with these images that were vibrating with sexuality. 

It made me wonder - why do men hide their sex? You guys are like volcanoes ready to erupt. What are you afraid will happen if you let yourselves out? He said he was afraid his friends would call him vain or narcissist, or worse, that his woman would laugh at him. I had the thought she would melt into his arms. Men, we need you to come out and be the peacocks you are, strut your stuff, and let your masculinity show. Even if we appear to act shocked or disapproving, inwardly we'll be shouting alleluia, and plotting how to rip your clothes off.