Men often complain to me that women are so hard to read. Whether it's a colleague at work, a girlfriend, or a daughter, why won't they tell you what's going on? Women tell everything to their girl friends, so why won't they open up to you? Well guys, one reason is that women don't feel safe with you. Yes, that's right.
A little physiology here: Women's vigilant centers are much more developed than men's. That part of them that scans the environment to make sure it's safe to speak, let alone drop their guard and relax, is often on hyper alert. Men, you may be out in the world hunting for food or negotiating a deal. Women, on the other hand, are constantly reading external cues to determine if it's okay to come out. For instance, at work, they may be waiting for the 'right' moment to express their opinion, often with lazer-like precision. Translate this into sex: Men can get an erection in the heat of battle; women need to feel completely held, supported and relaxed before they can surrender into the state of orgasm.
Men - make no mistake, women can feel you. If you are feeling the least bit insecure, guarded or defensive, they will put up their walls and cast you out into the cold! So you ask, "How can I penetrate this fortress?" Ironically, you don't need to back off, or be a nice guy, or try to read their minds (which as you know is an impossible task). You just have to be yourself. Be honest, be genuine, be vulnerable - and watch them open up to you.
It was the middle of our sixth coaching session when he blurted it out: "I'm tired of being patient, slowing things down, making our sex all about her. I just want to f*ck my wife!" The room vibrated with his anger, and I could see a flash of fear in his partner's eyes. Then she sighed and said "I'm so relieved to hear you say it - I've been feeling this for months." The space that opened up in the room was palpable. Now this couple was ready to do the transformative work of coaching, and heal their relationship.
Men, are you sick and tired of trying so hard to be a masterful lover? Truth be told, wouldn't you like to just skip all that foreplay and just get down to it?
In one session my client penetrated to the bottom of his desire. He allowed himself to fully feel the depth of his passion, and a deep frustration that wasn't even about his relationship with his wife. He was surprised to discover that what he longed for was to be fully seen as a man in the eyes of his wife and connect to her from that potent place. He then realized that she couldn't see him because he was was hiding. Showing his desire felt vulnerable, much more vulnerable than this angry persona.
So he made a decision to surrender to his desire. When he did that, his anger and frustration melted away. What opened to him was a depth of connection that he'd always longed for - and their sex became hot, juicy, and incredibly satisfying.
