It's hard to be a man

Feminism has been awesome: It's freed women up to step forward, speak out, and meet men as equals in the bedroom and the boardroom. It's also been a curse. Many feminists have denounced men as the "bad guys," patriarchy, batterers and rapists, solely responsible for the oppression of women. 

I was one of those women.  As a devout feminist and lesbian for many years, I fought for my power at the expense of men. I didn't hate them, I just did my best to skillfully avoid them and prove I didn't need them - which I failed at miserably. (In my next post, I will tell you about the journey that took me to a place where I deeply respect and love men, so much that I am dedicating this blog - and my life's work - to honoring them.)

Men, I get it. It is so damn hard to be a man these days, especially in our culture. Many of you have bent over backwards to be feminist. You do your best to support and love women only to be shot down and called sissies, wimps, ineffectual. Others of you turn away from women in frustration and bond together in Man Rooms, where you can let your beast out and do all those taboo things together that your women cringe from or judge as crude and insensitive. And if you are gay, bi or 'gender fluid', straight women may trust you, but straight men may berate you as not being 'real men.'

What's a guy to do? How to you relate to a capricious woman (or man) who one moment asks you to be sensitive to her/his feelings, and the next expects you to 'get it up?' Many of the men I've interviewed say they feel confused. They experience this constant pressure to live up to external values that feel insulting and inauthentic. For instance, you are desirable if you are tall, successful, cool, a great lover, and have a six pack. Being famous is an extra bonus, especially in Los Angeles or New York. Yet at the same time, your lover wants you to be open and vulnerable. You fear that if you open up, or worse, penetrate them with the truth, then they will see how deeply you feel, and flee. 

Your dilemma is huge and painful. Though I don't have ready-made answers, I'm here to listen and encourage as you uncover the being who intuitively knows how to be full and beasty and loving and so damn sexy.  I will say this: Men and women in our culture are starving for deep intimate connection. Men , please keep showing up and sharing your vulnerability. We need you and the alchemy that happens when we all remove our masks and reveal our desires.