Wanted: Friend, fiancé, or bad boy?

"I hate dating," shared one of my interviewees, "Either I'm potential husband material or a bad boy, or worse, I don't fit into either category, and I get demoted to a 'friend."

It seems like no matter which way you turn, you're screwed. If you're kind, attentive, financially stable, and seem to have it all together, you may be wooed as 'husband material.' You're put on this weird pedestal, where you feel like everything you say or do is scrutinized and measured for its usefulness. The woman is in charge, charming you one moment, and pulling away the next. Whether you succeed in pleasing her or not (and it's so hard to tell), you have this awful feeling in the pit of your stomach that sooner or later, you're going to slip off your pedestal and suffer the consequences, and possibly be relegated  to 'friend.'  What's worse is you don't get to be yourself: You have to hold back your jungly turned on Tarzan self, your tender heart, and your desire to drop all the pretense and just connect.

Or, if you're not interested in the whole marriage and kids and babies and stuff, you can be a bad boy. You play, you pursue, and you penetrate. She may enjoy being swept off her feet, until....... she realizes she's out of control. You're fun and oh so delicious for a while - but you are not ultimately useful. Even though you can feel the desire burning between you, she shuts you out - and you're banned from her world. Initially this role can be more satisfying - as you're freer to be yourself - and ultimately, it can be lonely.

For some men, being relegated to 'friend' is the worst. If you're still attracted to the woman, it can feel downright emasculating to be the confidant, the one who listens and commiserates, and occasionally is asked for advice on how to handle her current love interests. Then if you - as the trusted friend - give her the feedback she's requested, and god forbid, tell her something she may not want to hear about herself, you may be banished to realm of an acquaintance. As one of my interviewees said, you become an 'accessory friend,' one who is called upon when needed, say as an extra at a party, or to be her date when the boyfriend isn't available.

I'm going to end this post with a question -- 

"Dear men, what and where is the sweet spot? How do you get to be the friend, the fiancé, and.... the sexy bad boy?" 
Give me what you've got and I will weave it into my next post.