Wanted: Friend, fiancé, or bad boy?

"I hate dating," shared one of my interviewees, "Either I'm potential husband material or a bad boy, or worse, I don't fit into either category, and I get demoted to a 'friend."

It seems like no matter which way you turn, you're screwed. If you're kind, attentive, financially stable, and seem to have it all together, you may be wooed as 'husband material.' You're put on this weird pedestal, where you feel like everything you say or do is scrutinized and measured for its usefulness. The woman is in charge, charming you one moment, and pulling away the next. Whether you succeed in pleasing her or not (and it's so hard to tell), you have this awful feeling in the pit of your stomach that sooner or later, you're going to slip off your pedestal and suffer the consequences, and possibly be relegated  to 'friend.'  What's worse is you don't get to be yourself: You have to hold back your jungly turned on Tarzan self, your tender heart, and your desire to drop all the pretense and just connect.

Or, if you're not interested in the whole marriage and kids and babies and stuff, you can be a bad boy. You play, you pursue, and you penetrate. She may enjoy being swept off her feet, until....... she realizes she's out of control. You're fun and oh so delicious for a while - but you are not ultimately useful. Even though you can feel the desire burning between you, she shuts you out - and you're banned from her world. Initially this role can be more satisfying - as you're freer to be yourself - and ultimately, it can be lonely.

For some men, being relegated to 'friend' is the worst. If you're still attracted to the woman, it can feel downright emasculating to be the confidant, the one who listens and commiserates, and occasionally is asked for advice on how to handle her current love interests. Then if you - as the trusted friend - give her the feedback she's requested, and god forbid, tell her something she may not want to hear about herself, you may be banished to realm of an acquaintance. As one of my interviewees said, you become an 'accessory friend,' one who is called upon when needed, say as an extra at a party, or to be her date when the boyfriend isn't available.

I'm going to end this post with a question -- 

"Dear men, what and where is the sweet spot? How do you get to be the friend, the fiancé, and.... the sexy bad boy?" 
Give me what you've got and I will weave it into my next post. 

Tired of being a nice guy?

My client was on a rant - his article was due in two days and he was blocked. Worse, his editor, a woman, was calling him every few hours to see check in and suggest some changes. Each time he would stop and listen, and then try to weave her suggestions into his writing - and it just wasn't working. His creativity was stifled and he was starting to question his competence. Plus he was becoming increasingly anxious that he wouldn't make the deadline - which of course, made him feel even more stuck.

"I'm trying to be a nice guy here, and I just want to tell her to shut up and leave me alone!" I asked him "What would be the worst thing that might happen if you did just that?" and he was stunned. He realized that he's always trying to please everyone else, and losing himself in the process. "Oh," he said, "the worst thing that might happen is that she feels hurt, and gives the job to someone else. The best thing that might happen is that she stop calling me and I can focus and do a great piece of writing!"

Men are you tired of being nice guys? You do your best to be polite, patient, listen, and accommodate the women in your life. Just when you think you've got it right, they change your mind and go in a totally different direction. Grrrrrrr. 

Dr. Robert Glover has devoted his career as a psychotherapist to freeing men from what he was dubbed the "Nice Guy Syndrome"-trying too hard to please others while neglecting their own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. In his book, No More Mr Nice Guy he says....

Nice Guys are concerned about looking good and doing it "right." ...... They avoid conflict like the plague and will go to great lengths to avoid upsetting anyone. In general, they are peaceful and generous, and especially concerned about pleasing women. They believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be happy, loved, and fulfilled. When this life strategy fails to produce the desired results — as it often does — Nice Guys usually just try harder, doing more of the same, and they begin to feel frustrated, helpless and resentful. Eventually, they become anything but nice.

Can you see that when you try to be a nice guy, what you're really doing is seeking approval from someone else, and by default, disapproving of yourself? This creates a pattern of depending on others for something only you can give to yourself. How do you break that pattern? Here is a very simple technique I taught my client - and I'd like to share with you.

When you're feeling frustrated, insecure, or stuck, ask yourself "Am I disapproving of myself?" Hint: the honest answer will be "yes." Now ask yourself, "Can I let go of disapproving of myself just a little bit?" And answer "yes." Can I let go a little bit more, and a little bit more?" Keep asking the question and answering "yes" until you start to feel lighter, and a bit stronger inside yourself. 

And see..... from this place can you be a little nicer to yourself?!

How to handle a capricious woman

(Definition of capricious: governed by caprice, being impulsive or unpredictable)

I've been having a lot of fun interviewing men for my blog. One question is "What is something you both like and dislike about women?"

My friend David really nailed it. He said that it's hard to deal with women's randomness: They come towards you and disappear, you never know. They are wily and capricious. When I probed further, he confessed that though this capricious quality drives him crazy, it fuels his desire. A women who is not entirely available can be more alluring than one who is reliable and consistent. I find this paradox very interesting.

So men, I'm curious... do you find us female creatures capricious, and if you do, how do you handle us? Is the way you're handling us working for you?    

These days women are coming into their sexual power and maturity, and they no longer need you to protect them, bear them children, or in any way navigate the world for them. Many of them are free and tuned into their desire, which like female orgasm, ebbs and flows. What does this look like? 

Well -- sometimes they are totally hot for you, can't wait to tear your clothes off and take their pleasure in you. Then next moment, their energy shifts and they just want to cuddle, or worse, leave you in the heat of your desire, and go shopping. Maybe a woman makes a plan with you, then at the last minute, cancels. Or she picks a fight with you, proves her point, then berates you for agreeing with her. I'm sure you've got many other better examples.

So, how do you handle a woman like this - who changes her mind, and doesn't appear to be rational, is just plain crazy? Perhaps the answer is found more in this question, "How do you handle YOURSELF?"

You probably already know this and..... you can't change a woman (or anyone for that matter). The good news is that you can change yourself, and then feel a whole lot better - even when things go haywire. It takes courage and willingness to know yourself, and, awful as it may sound, a bit of humility. And I know you're up to it.  

Here's a simple practice you can try out for yourself:

The next time you find yourself at the mercy of a capricious woman, PAUSE,

1. Notice if you're feeling an ouch - this can be a sense of outrage, anger, disappointment, a sensation of being hit in your stomach.
2. Identify specifically what it is you're feeling as a sensation in your body.
3. Now, stay with that sensation. Notice the tendency to try to rationalize yourself out of it, and don't go there. (It's a road that leads to nowhere). 
4. Say "yes" to that sensation over and over and over, until you start to notice a change. You may feel a bit lighter, more detached, a little less annoyed, perhaps even a hint of.... happiness!?
5. From this new place of awareness, how do you perceive the situation now - and the woman who 'caused' it? 

Why are you hiding?

There was a man in my group today who said he was shy, and not hot enough for his girlfriend. Then he 'shyly' showed me a stream of photos of himself modeling over 50 different outfits, with 50 different looks from hipster to executive to cop to athlete, to movie star, you name it. These photographs were full of confidence, grace, and so HOT. It was hard for me to connect the timid person sitting next to me with these images that were vibrating with sexuality. 

It made me wonder - why do men hide their sex? You guys are like volcanoes ready to erupt. What are you afraid will happen if you let yourselves out? He said he was afraid his friends would call him vain or narcissist, or worse, that his woman would laugh at him. I had the thought she would melt into his arms. Men, we need you to come out and be the peacocks you are, strut your stuff, and let your masculinity show. Even if we appear to act shocked or disapproving, inwardly we'll be shouting alleluia, and plotting how to rip your clothes off.   

Dear beloved men

You have no idea how easy it is to please a women, and this woman in particular. 

All you have to do is give me your undivided attention, every once in a while (all the time might get boring!). "That's easy for you to say," you say; women are all over the place - talking to you while texting on their phone or worse, looking over your shoulder- and they never give you their undivided attention. Guess what men, and here's the good news - it's easy for you to do this. You know how to be single focused and present, And that's what we as women CRAVE because it's so damn hard for us to do this!

You don't have to impress me, you don't have to be a masterful lover, clinician, jack of all trades, executive, or fancy stepper. To sweep me off my feet, all you have to do is pay attention and be yourself. You don't have to TRY. I know, I know, you think that if you just let your uncensored, raw and beasty self out, we'll run away screaming, or worse, verbally castrate you.

I challenge you to test this out. Next time you're with your woman, or any woman, do some research: Find out what happens if you shut up and listen. Then take a risk and tell her something about you that is raw, uncensored and true about you. And feel the jolt of electricity that fires up between you. You might see her melt before your eyes.