How I Got to Here from There

It's my turn - time to tell you about my journey and how I came to dedicating my work to honoring men. This may be a long post.

My father was my first love - and my first heartbreak. From the moment I was born, I bonded with him as my primary parent. (My mother was too depressed, self absorbed and fearful to connect with me.) I was the center of his universe - and he was my center. He adored me, played with me, loved and cherished me - and he violated me. He taught me to equate deep intimate connection with sexual transgression. He also transmitted his deep insecurity as a man into me.

His betrayal ripped the fabric of my being, and severed my trust in men. When he left his marriage (leaving me and my newborn brother with a mother who felt dangerous and untethered), I made an unconscious decision to close my heart to men. My mother's fear and mistrust of men (and her unrelenting criticism of my father), further served to nail shut the door over my heart.

As a child and adolescent, I had crushes on boys who rejected me. If anyone actually approached me, I would physically cringe. In college I had several boyfriends, and could play the part of a girlfriend - until we had intercourse. There I felt nothing, except physical pain. I didn't really like penises, and would give my boyfriend perfunctory blowjobs, doing my best to not taste any semen. My boyfriends called me a frigid cock tease. I was convinced there was something wrong with me... until I fell in love with a woman.

With women, I relaxed and uncovered my sex. With women I also was in charge. Turn on for me came from pleasing my partner, bringing her to climax, and never ever falling into the chasm of raw unleashed out-of-control surrender. I didn't even realize that this world existed - and the door to it was locked shut - until several years ago, when I started a sexuality practice called Orgasmic Meditation (OM).

OM is a sacred and structured practice that cultivates orgasm - the state of total surrender into what we call the involuntary. For 15 minutes a partner, fully clothed, (usually a man) strokes a woman’s clitoris in a very specific way. As the 'strokee' all I have to do is feel the sensation that arises in my body. As the 'stroker' all he has to do is feel that sensation that arises in his body as he strokes me up/down, up/down, up/down. At the end of the OM, I put my pants on and we each share a frame - a sensation each of us felt at one point during the OM. Then we say thank you, and leave. We are both free to go, and neither of us owe the other anything. This is total freedom.

What has this got to do with my metamorphosis? Everything! In this practice I have learned how to let go and completely surrender into the oceanic flow of orgasm, while being touched in the most intimate way possible by a man. The practice is designed to create safety for both partners, so I can totally relax my vigilance center and fall into the unlimited realm of sensation. 

OM is teaching me to trust myself, and trust men. Over time the pleasure and loving attention of my strokers has allowed me to re-experience and heal the trauma I experienced with my father. Today I can say unequivocally that I love men. I feel like a teenager who has just discovered boys, and I am thrilled to enter into their world.

One of the unspoken benefits of this practice is that men get to be vulnerable too. As strokers, they are in the more surrendered position. They have to let go of everything they think they know - all the tricks and techniques they've learned to be a man and please a woman. Instead they get to drop into the moment with beginner's mind, and let the magic of orgasm guide them. Men have cried while stroking me, letting go of years of programming they've held inside themselves, and allowed their bodies to melt into new levels of sensation.

While I've been surrendering into the power of my orgasm, the men I know and OM with have been emerging as beautiful, sexy and deeply powerful men. Not surprisingly I have opened up my sex again to men - and found a way to deeply enjoy and be nourished by that connection.

Many of these men I have OMed with have opened up to me outside the OM - communicating their desire to be free, and their deep frustration at how their masculinity is thwarted in our culture.  So I decided to start interviewing and listening more closely. It’s amazing what has been revealed to me. Inspired by these men’s passion, and my desire to know them more deeply, I started this blog - to help them reconnect with their masculine energy so they can light up every part of their life. 

Thank you beautiful, sexy, tender, and vulnerable men!

It's hard to be a man

Feminism has been awesome: It's freed women up to step forward, speak out, and meet men as equals in the bedroom and the boardroom. It's also been a curse. Many feminists have denounced men as the "bad guys," patriarchy, batterers and rapists, solely responsible for the oppression of women. 

I was one of those women.  As a devout feminist and lesbian for many years, I fought for my power at the expense of men. I didn't hate them, I just did my best to skillfully avoid them and prove I didn't need them - which I failed at miserably. (In my next post, I will tell you about the journey that took me to a place where I deeply respect and love men, so much that I am dedicating this blog - and my life's work - to honoring them.)

Men, I get it. It is so damn hard to be a man these days, especially in our culture. Many of you have bent over backwards to be feminist. You do your best to support and love women only to be shot down and called sissies, wimps, ineffectual. Others of you turn away from women in frustration and bond together in Man Rooms, where you can let your beast out and do all those taboo things together that your women cringe from or judge as crude and insensitive. And if you are gay, bi or 'gender fluid', straight women may trust you, but straight men may berate you as not being 'real men.'

What's a guy to do? How to you relate to a capricious woman (or man) who one moment asks you to be sensitive to her/his feelings, and the next expects you to 'get it up?' Many of the men I've interviewed say they feel confused. They experience this constant pressure to live up to external values that feel insulting and inauthentic. For instance, you are desirable if you are tall, successful, cool, a great lover, and have a six pack. Being famous is an extra bonus, especially in Los Angeles or New York. Yet at the same time, your lover wants you to be open and vulnerable. You fear that if you open up, or worse, penetrate them with the truth, then they will see how deeply you feel, and flee. 

Your dilemma is huge and painful. Though I don't have ready-made answers, I'm here to listen and encourage as you uncover the being who intuitively knows how to be full and beasty and loving and so damn sexy.  I will say this: Men and women in our culture are starving for deep intimate connection. Men , please keep showing up and sharing your vulnerability. We need you and the alchemy that happens when we all remove our masks and reveal our desires. 

Why won't she open up to me?

Men often complain to me that women are so hard to read. Whether it's a colleague at work, a girlfriend, or a daughter, why won't they tell you what's going on? Women tell everything to their girl friends, so why won't they open up to you? Well guys, one reason is that women don't feel safe with you. Yes, that's right. 

A little physiology here: Women's vigilant centers are much more developed than men's. That part of them that scans the environment to make sure it's safe to speak, let alone drop their guard and relax, is often on hyper alert. Men, you may be out in the world hunting for food or negotiating a deal. Women, on the other hand, are constantly reading external cues to determine if it's okay to come out. For instance, at work, they may be waiting for the 'right' moment to express their opinion, often with lazer-like precision. Translate this into sex: Men can get an erection in the heat of battle; women need to feel completely held, supported and relaxed before they can surrender into the state of orgasm. 

Men - make no mistake, women can feel you. If you are feeling the least bit insecure, guarded or defensive, they will put up their walls and cast you out into the cold! So you ask, "How can I penetrate this fortress?" Ironically, you don't need to back off, or be a nice guy, or try to read their minds (which as you know is an impossible task). You just have to be yourself. Be honest, be genuine, be vulnerable - and watch them open up to you.

I just want to f*ck my wife

It was the middle of our sixth coaching session when he blurted it out: "I'm tired of being patient, slowing things down, making our sex all about her. I just want to f*ck my wife!" The room vibrated with his anger, and I could see a flash of fear in his partner's eyes. Then she sighed and said "I'm so relieved to hear you say it - I've been feeling this for months." The space that opened up in the room was palpable. Now this couple was ready to do the transformative work of coaching, and heal their relationship.

Men, are you sick and tired of trying so hard to be a masterful lover? Truth be told, wouldn't you like to just skip all that foreplay and just get down to it?

In one session my client penetrated to the bottom of his desire. He allowed himself to fully feel the depth of his passion, and a deep frustration that wasn't even about his relationship with his wife. He was surprised to discover that what he longed for was to be fully seen as a man in the eyes of his wife and connect to her from that potent place. He then realized that she couldn't see him because he was was hiding. Showing his desire felt vulnerable, much more vulnerable than this angry persona. 

So he made a decision to surrender to his desire. When he did that, his anger and frustration melted away. What opened to him was a depth of connection that he'd always longed for - and their sex became hot, juicy, and incredibly satisfying.

Wanted: Friend, fiancé, or bad boy?

"I hate dating," shared one of my interviewees, "Either I'm potential husband material or a bad boy, or worse, I don't fit into either category, and I get demoted to a 'friend."

It seems like no matter which way you turn, you're screwed. If you're kind, attentive, financially stable, and seem to have it all together, you may be wooed as 'husband material.' You're put on this weird pedestal, where you feel like everything you say or do is scrutinized and measured for its usefulness. The woman is in charge, charming you one moment, and pulling away the next. Whether you succeed in pleasing her or not (and it's so hard to tell), you have this awful feeling in the pit of your stomach that sooner or later, you're going to slip off your pedestal and suffer the consequences, and possibly be relegated  to 'friend.'  What's worse is you don't get to be yourself: You have to hold back your jungly turned on Tarzan self, your tender heart, and your desire to drop all the pretense and just connect.

Or, if you're not interested in the whole marriage and kids and babies and stuff, you can be a bad boy. You play, you pursue, and you penetrate. She may enjoy being swept off her feet, until....... she realizes she's out of control. You're fun and oh so delicious for a while - but you are not ultimately useful. Even though you can feel the desire burning between you, she shuts you out - and you're banned from her world. Initially this role can be more satisfying - as you're freer to be yourself - and ultimately, it can be lonely.

For some men, being relegated to 'friend' is the worst. If you're still attracted to the woman, it can feel downright emasculating to be the confidant, the one who listens and commiserates, and occasionally is asked for advice on how to handle her current love interests. Then if you - as the trusted friend - give her the feedback she's requested, and god forbid, tell her something she may not want to hear about herself, you may be banished to realm of an acquaintance. As one of my interviewees said, you become an 'accessory friend,' one who is called upon when needed, say as an extra at a party, or to be her date when the boyfriend isn't available.

I'm going to end this post with a question -- 

"Dear men, what and where is the sweet spot? How do you get to be the friend, the fiancé, and.... the sexy bad boy?" 
Give me what you've got and I will weave it into my next post. 

Tired of being a nice guy?

My client was on a rant - his article was due in two days and he was blocked. Worse, his editor, a woman, was calling him every few hours to see check in and suggest some changes. Each time he would stop and listen, and then try to weave her suggestions into his writing - and it just wasn't working. His creativity was stifled and he was starting to question his competence. Plus he was becoming increasingly anxious that he wouldn't make the deadline - which of course, made him feel even more stuck.

"I'm trying to be a nice guy here, and I just want to tell her to shut up and leave me alone!" I asked him "What would be the worst thing that might happen if you did just that?" and he was stunned. He realized that he's always trying to please everyone else, and losing himself in the process. "Oh," he said, "the worst thing that might happen is that she feels hurt, and gives the job to someone else. The best thing that might happen is that she stop calling me and I can focus and do a great piece of writing!"

Men are you tired of being nice guys? You do your best to be polite, patient, listen, and accommodate the women in your life. Just when you think you've got it right, they change your mind and go in a totally different direction. Grrrrrrr. 

Dr. Robert Glover has devoted his career as a psychotherapist to freeing men from what he was dubbed the "Nice Guy Syndrome"-trying too hard to please others while neglecting their own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. In his book, No More Mr Nice Guy he says....

Nice Guys are concerned about looking good and doing it "right." ...... They avoid conflict like the plague and will go to great lengths to avoid upsetting anyone. In general, they are peaceful and generous, and especially concerned about pleasing women. They believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be happy, loved, and fulfilled. When this life strategy fails to produce the desired results — as it often does — Nice Guys usually just try harder, doing more of the same, and they begin to feel frustrated, helpless and resentful. Eventually, they become anything but nice.

Can you see that when you try to be a nice guy, what you're really doing is seeking approval from someone else, and by default, disapproving of yourself? This creates a pattern of depending on others for something only you can give to yourself. How do you break that pattern? Here is a very simple technique I taught my client - and I'd like to share with you.

When you're feeling frustrated, insecure, or stuck, ask yourself "Am I disapproving of myself?" Hint: the honest answer will be "yes." Now ask yourself, "Can I let go of disapproving of myself just a little bit?" And answer "yes." Can I let go a little bit more, and a little bit more?" Keep asking the question and answering "yes" until you start to feel lighter, and a bit stronger inside yourself. 

And see..... from this place can you be a little nicer to yourself?!

How to handle a capricious woman

(Definition of capricious: governed by caprice, being impulsive or unpredictable)

I've been having a lot of fun interviewing men for my blog. One question is "What is something you both like and dislike about women?"

My friend David really nailed it. He said that it's hard to deal with women's randomness: They come towards you and disappear, you never know. They are wily and capricious. When I probed further, he confessed that though this capricious quality drives him crazy, it fuels his desire. A women who is not entirely available can be more alluring than one who is reliable and consistent. I find this paradox very interesting.

So men, I'm curious... do you find us female creatures capricious, and if you do, how do you handle us? Is the way you're handling us working for you?    

These days women are coming into their sexual power and maturity, and they no longer need you to protect them, bear them children, or in any way navigate the world for them. Many of them are free and tuned into their desire, which like female orgasm, ebbs and flows. What does this look like? 

Well -- sometimes they are totally hot for you, can't wait to tear your clothes off and take their pleasure in you. Then next moment, their energy shifts and they just want to cuddle, or worse, leave you in the heat of your desire, and go shopping. Maybe a woman makes a plan with you, then at the last minute, cancels. Or she picks a fight with you, proves her point, then berates you for agreeing with her. I'm sure you've got many other better examples.

So, how do you handle a woman like this - who changes her mind, and doesn't appear to be rational, is just plain crazy? Perhaps the answer is found more in this question, "How do you handle YOURSELF?"

You probably already know this and..... you can't change a woman (or anyone for that matter). The good news is that you can change yourself, and then feel a whole lot better - even when things go haywire. It takes courage and willingness to know yourself, and, awful as it may sound, a bit of humility. And I know you're up to it.  

Here's a simple practice you can try out for yourself:

The next time you find yourself at the mercy of a capricious woman, PAUSE,

1. Notice if you're feeling an ouch - this can be a sense of outrage, anger, disappointment, a sensation of being hit in your stomach.
2. Identify specifically what it is you're feeling as a sensation in your body.
3. Now, stay with that sensation. Notice the tendency to try to rationalize yourself out of it, and don't go there. (It's a road that leads to nowhere). 
4. Say "yes" to that sensation over and over and over, until you start to notice a change. You may feel a bit lighter, more detached, a little less annoyed, perhaps even a hint of.... happiness!?
5. From this new place of awareness, how do you perceive the situation now - and the woman who 'caused' it? 

Why are you hiding?

There was a man in my group today who said he was shy, and not hot enough for his girlfriend. Then he 'shyly' showed me a stream of photos of himself modeling over 50 different outfits, with 50 different looks from hipster to executive to cop to athlete, to movie star, you name it. These photographs were full of confidence, grace, and so HOT. It was hard for me to connect the timid person sitting next to me with these images that were vibrating with sexuality. 

It made me wonder - why do men hide their sex? You guys are like volcanoes ready to erupt. What are you afraid will happen if you let yourselves out? He said he was afraid his friends would call him vain or narcissist, or worse, that his woman would laugh at him. I had the thought she would melt into his arms. Men, we need you to come out and be the peacocks you are, strut your stuff, and let your masculinity show. Even if we appear to act shocked or disapproving, inwardly we'll be shouting alleluia, and plotting how to rip your clothes off.   

Dear beloved men

You have no idea how easy it is to please a women, and this woman in particular. 

All you have to do is give me your undivided attention, every once in a while (all the time might get boring!). "That's easy for you to say," you say; women are all over the place - talking to you while texting on their phone or worse, looking over your shoulder- and they never give you their undivided attention. Guess what men, and here's the good news - it's easy for you to do this. You know how to be single focused and present, And that's what we as women CRAVE because it's so damn hard for us to do this!

You don't have to impress me, you don't have to be a masterful lover, clinician, jack of all trades, executive, or fancy stepper. To sweep me off my feet, all you have to do is pay attention and be yourself. You don't have to TRY. I know, I know, you think that if you just let your uncensored, raw and beasty self out, we'll run away screaming, or worse, verbally castrate you.

I challenge you to test this out. Next time you're with your woman, or any woman, do some research: Find out what happens if you shut up and listen. Then take a risk and tell her something about you that is raw, uncensored and true about you. And feel the jolt of electricity that fires up between you. You might see her melt before your eyes.